i ve already done this, i ve already been through this once before,so why again? i ve lost all my power, all my dreams, plans, longings, i ve got nothing left, and yet.. here i am. it feels like sinking with an anchor attached to my neck, pulling me even deeper.. they say the hope it s the last to die, well ok, it s dead, so what the hell am i supposed to do? i m not gonna attempt on my life (i stink at this anyway, since i m still alive), but i just don t feel like fighting anymore, and pretending, and smiling to people, and answering the eternal "what's up?" with the other eternal "fine", when in fact nothing s fine, everything s awful, shitty, fucked up etc. i m filled up with rage, but too tired and exhausted to do anything.. i keep looking for a way to pull myself back together, but in the end i have to give up, because i always get to the exactly same conclusion: i m nothing but a bundle of contradictions.. 
i cant get any help, because i m too scared to open myself and confide (once again) in someone, unless i have the certainty that they understand me, but i also feel like no one knows me, they are practically all strangers, even my parents and my close friends, so there's not a single human being i could go to..
i m not complaining.. maybe i somehow deserve it all, for i ve sinned a lot, and i still have a heavy conscience, but it seems to me that i ve ended up as a helpless case, and it freaks me out...
i feel lost.. i might be..